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Local Man to Move to Grand Rapids

Local Businessman David Stigler will be packing boxes for the next three weeks as he and his family prepare to move from Indiana to Michigan. “I was hoping for Chicago” David said when this reporter asked him why “Grand Rapids.” “The Company has offices in Chicago and then of course they send people to Grand Rapids as well. Most everyone wants Chicago, and I guess it was just my time.

Grand Rapids Michigan, famous as the home of former President Gerald R. Ford is neither grand, nor since the upstream dam are the rapids much to talk about. David, is taking his Indiana University flag to display hoping that it offsets the many Maize and Blue signs the sad people of Michigan seem to put everywhere.

Cave Discovery Part II

A secondary discovery the boys made while in the “City Hall Cave” has shocked both the town council and this reporter. As if our town hasn’t had enough tragedy in the past few years the discovery of former Mayor, town founder Switches McGee’s body trapped in the cave was shocking. The coroner called the cause of death multiple trauma’s to the cranium. That was a very nice way to say someone had taken a baseball bat to our former mayor killing him and then hiding the body. Our idyllic little town where crime had seemed to take a holiday for a long time, now has two murder trials to consider and mull.

 

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The Screaming Eagle Volume 12, Issue 245

Local Youths Explore our hole, report amazing findings

Five youths entered the Sink Hole by the city hall building yesterday morning trying to discover was it a bigger cave or simply a small cave that collapsed. They entered the cave around 5 in the morning. In talking with the youths after their adventure we found that they were well prepared for the exploration. We discovered that in fact these are the boys who found the long lost Dead Man’s cave.

The boys will write a detailed report for the paper as part of their punishment from Judge Wilson. It appears that in fact it was a bad idea to enter the city property without proper permits.

General Store to no longer carry non-Indiana Popcorn

In a move to show solidarity with our local farming population the General Store downtown location will no longer carry popcorn that was grown in other states. This decision according to General Manager Sly Stings was a “very difficult one. Indiana Popcorn has changed the world, and it was our feeling that it was best for us to only carry the best popcorn on the planet.” The store will have a sale this Saturday only to “get rid” of their lessen popcorn stores.

 

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This year’s corn looks solid

Our Agricultural reporter David Williams has conducted a study of five local farms with heavily corn loads this year. While our area is most famous for its tomatoes (the best in the world) corn has long been a staple of local farms. It is mostly seed corn and we all know the brand! But seed corn is what keeps our pigs and cows happy. David reports that based on his study of the five farms he has reviewed that this year may be the best year in the last five for corn production. Our CornFestival may in fact have its best year ever. The corn report is an annual Screaming Eagle special and we are happy to publish it for the 20th consecutive year!

Corn Queen Scandal

Last year’s corn queen from the Lake Architectless Corn Festival parade left school suddenly this week. Those in the know say Cindy Williams, younger sister of our Ag reporter David, left school due to her soon expansion. Local wags say that Cindy’s father was seen sitting outside the Withers home, waiting to talk to the family about their sudden mutual problem. David filed the annual corn report and then asked for a leave of absence. This reporter will keep his ears to the ground and keep you in the loop regarding this ongoing issue.

 

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State of Indiana to close final Railroad section

The state of Indiana announced in a cost cutting move today that the last section of the Lake Architectless express (or the Fort Wayne South Bend Express as the rest of the state calls it, sadly) will be closed this week. The state announced that the ties would be removed and the remaining gravel would be left to create a bike trail that would stretch for Fort Wayne to South Bend.

Lake Architectless represented at the regional science fair

Davey Withers, the fifth generation of one of our leading families will represent the youth of Lake Architectless in the regional science fair with his project “The lifecycle of decaying leaves.” Davey attributes his love of science to his mother whom this reporter found was a regional science fair winner in Michigan. Seems brilliance runs bright in that family.

Is this the year?

Coach Smith says this year’s returning High School Basketball team is the one that will break the curse. The curse of no sectional wins for the LA Lakers (no offence is intended by the name of our team to the more famous Los Angeles Lakers, we are simply the Lake Architectless Lakers) has extended to even before they were the LA Lakers, for near 80 years now. This is the year Coach Smith says that the LA crowd will be able to make the journey to the regional basketball event in Fort Wayne.

 

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The Screaming Eagle

Bringing all the news fit to print to Lake Architectless since 1968. Volume 12, Issue 244

Farmer Finds Rare Indian Arrowhead

Ronald Artness was plowing, which is a job he has been doing nearly every day for the past 30 years. His parents left the farm to Ronald around 30 years ago and since then he has been plowing. He says he has found a number of things while plowing but he was shocked earlier this week when he found something, he wasn’t expecting. A cache of arrowheads, probably more than 300 Ronald told this reporter. The arrowheads were all made of flint, which is very rare in Indiana. Archeologist’s from the IU Fort Wayne extension campus were amazed by the find. “We don’t often see flint arrowheads in this part of the country” said Dr. David Moosehead of IUFW.

Student Scores a 1400 on the SAT

Thomas Kincaid arrived at Lake Architectless High School around 8:30 am for the 9:30 am start of the SAT exam. He had three number 2 pencils with him, the booklet his Parents had bought him recommended he bring. Thomas wanted to do well on the exam because he has aspirations of going to Indiana University. His parents, Bob and Alice are extremely proud of their son, both For his SAT score and for his choice of Universities to attend.

Farmer See’s Lights Believes UFO’s are attacking

It took Lake Architectless fire department and three deputies from the county sheriff’s office to convince Bob Williams that the lights he saw on his farms were in fact teenagers engaged in horseplay rather than the UFO’s he believed they were. He had locked and barred his storm cellar refusing to come out until them “damn UFO’s” were gone.

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The last train

I remember my eight birthday for a number of reasons. Not the least of which was that my eight birthday was the last day the train ever ran down the railroad tracks in the center of town. They used to have a passenger train that went over to South Bend and then on to Chicago (the Lake Shore Express.) It was our biggest link to the world around us.

My mom used to take that train around the holidays to do her Christmas shopping in the huge city (Fort Wayne was a city – Chicago was a megapolis). My brother and I loved that as it meant our selection of toys on the holidays were always top notch.

But then, on my eighth birthday the train made its last run.

What a sad and happy day it was. The town threw a huge party (originally I thought it was for me – but figured it out when they didn’t call me to the stage for the presentation). People came ot the microphone and talked about the stories of the train.

Mildred and Thomas Jenkins, who owned the farm on the outside of town, actually met on the train and were married on the train. Thomas worked in Chicago until he retired, riding the 2 and a ½ hours one way each day to his office in Chicago. No one remember who he was (old Tom Jenkins was how we all remembered him) from his days on the train. He was never in town. He left at 5 in the morning and didn’t get home until 8 at night.

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Sunday goes to Monday

Monday was another emergency meeting (without Buck although that was a huge fight) about what the town should do. The Sinkhole had now consumed the entire new building and looked to be growing towards the new playground equipment erected in the new city park. A number of parents came to this meeting concerned about the city park.

Our last mayor had in fact been the person responsible for the idea of the new park. The parents, based on his other major projects (murder and well fish murder) wanted to have the park surveyed to see if in fact there were other things buried there besides concrete mounts for playground equipment and other things like that.

The decision, after a long heated post volleyball frustration debate, was to have someone run a metal detector around the entire city park. Then the topic of the ever growing sinkhole was brought to the table. No one knew what to say, the town council adjourned so that everyone could go outside and see the hole.

It was 23 feet across and roughly 12 feet down. A number of parents made remarks around needing a fence or something to protect the children of the city. The hole looked like a maw waiting to swallow a child, dog or perhaps a distracted adult.

 

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